"I've been underweight, I've been chubby, I've been skinny fat, I've been super lean, I've been at the peak of my physical fitness and then lost it all again. All along this journey, I've hated my body, loathed it, accepted it, then loved it, then hated it again, wanted it to be skinnier, then stronger, fitter, more flexible, and the list goes on...
Christmas holidays are supposed to be a magical time, filled with loved ones, laughter and sharing beautiful meals together…There are occasions to look forward to, people to see and things to celebrate. But for someone suffering or recovering from an eating disorder, Christmas can mean panic, fear and overwhelm.
First off, there’s the plethora of parties like the office luncheon and the Secret Santa parties. Then there's the gift baskets full of food everywhere, left-over cake in the office kitchen and your well-meaning grandma who has baked you all your favorite childhood cookies. And there is also a lot of stress, a lot of busyness, a lot of un-self-care.
At the end of Part 2 of "My Story With an Eating Disorder" I left you on a positive note, it almost sounded like recovery was smooth sailing. But let me tell you: it really wasn't.
I mean, yes, I started understanding what my triggers were and yes, I slowly began opening my eyes to a wholesome diet that left me feeling energised and happy. But consciously understanding the issue and actually reprogramming your subconscious are two very different things.
There was a phase in my recovery where I thought I had understood everything, had left no stone unturned and knew exactly what got me riled up, but somehow, somehow I still couldn't resist the urge to binge once it came up. Once that feeling crept in, there was no way in hell to stop it. I was like a roaring monster that just wanted food, food and more food.
Previously the binging used to happen on autopilot, but now there was a part of me that was somewhat conscious about it. There was this moment before the binge, just a split second, where I knew what I was about to do and why I was about to do it, but then I would still go ahead and do it anyways.