How To Navigate Love And Eating Disorders

How To Navigate Love And Eating Disorders

For about two years, I struggled with my inner daemons on my own.

That is, with my eating disorder, of course.

It was a debilitating feeling, knowing that no one else knew that side of me. I wanted to let someone in, but at the same time I couldn’t think of anything worse than someone finding out the truth.

When I finally found someone who I could confide in – and who didn’t seem to care in the slightest that I had “issues” – it changed the way I dealt with my problems. I finally let someone in. That person was Phil.

My Body Journey And Where I Am Right Now

My Body Journey And Where I Am Right Now

"I've been underweight, I've been chubby, I've been skinny fat, I've been super lean, I've been at the peak of my physical fitness and then lost it all again. All along this journey, I've hated my body, loathed it, accepted it, then loved it, then hated it again, wanted it to be skinnier, then stronger, fitter, more flexible, and the list goes on...

13 Life Lessons I Learnt at YTT – Part 1

13 Life Lessons I Learnt at YTT – Part 1

6 weeks have passed since I did my Yoga Teacher Training in Rishikesh, India. Certified yogi: tick

The one question I get after "How was it?" is this: "Did it transform your life like everyone said it would?"

In other words, they want to know if I've come back a zen AF yogi that has found enlightenment at the end of the tunnel.

A Letter To My Younger Self

A Letter To My Younger Self

If you could go back and talk to your younger self, what would you tell her?

This is what I would say to my younger “eating disorder self”…

Letter to my younger self

Dear Me,

You probably don’t recognize me now. You won’t recognize me for the happy, healthy person that you see before you. I know that you are not in a good place right now, but I just want to let you know that you will get through this. In fact, you won’t only get through this but you will come out of the other side as a better and stronger person.

Why Waiting To Buy New Clothes Until You Lose Weight Is The Worst Idea Ever

Why Waiting To Buy New Clothes Until You Lose Weight Is The Worst Idea Ever

I know....

You don’t want to buy that dress or shop for new jeans until you’re at least 5,10, 15, 20+ kilos thinner than you are now.

You imagine this beautiful new wardrobe you’ll buy when you’re skinny and image how fantastic and confident you will feel.

I get it. I used to think the same.

I Gained Weight, So What? - Here Is What I Am Learning Along The Way

I Gained Weight, So What? - Here Is What I Am Learning Along The Way

So, I gained weight.

I know it. My partner knows it. My family knows it. My friends know it. Instagram knows it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one going through this. In fact, maybe you gained some weight recently as well?

There are many reasons why I gained weight; all of which are within my control. On the one hand, I have become less restrictive/obsessive and have truly given up the diet mentality for good. Yay! But on the other hand I have also been super stressed and anxious in recent months and as a result, my emotional eating track record has been through the roof. Nay! But regardless of why, none of these reasons need to be explained or apologized for. It is what it is.

My Honest Review Of The Institute For Integrative Nutrition

My Honest Review Of The Institute For Integrative Nutrition

It's been about a year since I completed my health coaching course through the Institute of Integrative Nutrition and this post is long overdue. I'm often asked by others about my opinion of the course and if I think it's a good program.

The answer is....maybe.

Personally, I was absolutely wowed by the course. It was exactly what I was looking for and I loved every minute of it. It changed my life and has allowed me to create this beautiful passion-fuelled life I now live. It has helped me heal myself, connected me with like-minded individuals all around the world and has enabled me to inspire people to live their life to their fullest.

But whether IIN is a good choice for you, depends on YOU and what you’re after. Let’s have a closer look:

How To Survive The Christmas Holidays As A Binge Eater

How To Survive The Christmas Holidays As A Binge Eater

Christmas holidays are supposed to be a magical time, filled with loved ones, laughter and sharing beautiful meals together…There are occasions to look forward to, people to see and things to celebrate. But for someone suffering or recovering from an eating disorder, Christmas can mean panic, fear and overwhelm.

First off, there’s the plethora of parties like the office luncheon and the Secret Santa parties. Then there's the gift baskets full of food everywhere, left-over cake in the office kitchen and your well-meaning grandma who has baked you all your favorite childhood cookies. And there is also a lot of stress, a lot of busyness, a lot of un-self-care.

My Acne Story and Horrific Experience with Roaccutane

My Acne Story and Horrific Experience with Roaccutane

I've stripped myself "naked" on this blog by sharing my deepest struggles with food and body image, heck I even posted pictures of myself in undies of when I was anorexic/in the depth of my bulimia.  Yet, hitting publish on this post today was a whole new level of anxiety-causing.

Ever since I was about 15 years old, I've had problems with my skin. But what started with the typical teenage-pimpled face got worse and worse over time instead of getting better. 

The Night That I Hit Rock Bottom

The Night That I Hit Rock Bottom

Someone recently asked me what the lowest point of my eating disorder was. What was the final straw that made you change? I immediately knew what it was and was catapulted back to that moment. And now I'm going to share it with you.

I already talked in some detail about this here, but I think that a lot of people who are currently struggling with an eating disorder may find some comfort and hopefully inspiration in this part of the story.

At the time, I was doing an internship as a service staff in a hotel in London. I had just moved there three months ago, and even though I enjoyed discovering this new city, I absolutely hated my job.

Putting a compulsive eater into an environment where you are surrounded by readily available food 24/7 and get to secretly eat the leftover pralines at the end of the night is like putting an alcoholic into a bottle shop.

I dreaded going to work every morning and more often than not, would spontaneously call in sick because I just couldn't deal with the food confrontation. I would wake up every morning, promising myself that today would be different. Today would be the day where willpower would succeed and I wouldn't even dare to look at all the tempting food around me at work. I'd have a tiny little breakfast, like 1/2 a kiwi, and hope that it would sustain me throughout the day (it's so crazy when I think back to that now!)  Sometimes I managed to actually not eat anything for the entire shift, but on most days my willpower would eventually fail me and I would eat one praline, then two, then tree and so on. By the end of the shift I would feel so guilty about failing yet again that all I wanted to do was go home and eat some more. I lived on a busy main road in West London, and on my walk home from work I passed an endless amount of fast food restaurants that were open until late at night. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how that story ends...

My Story With An Eating Disorder - Part 3

My Story With An Eating Disorder - Part 3

At the end of Part 2 of "My Story With an Eating Disorder" I left you on a positive note, it almost sounded like recovery was smooth sailing. But let me tell you: it really wasn't.

I mean, yes, I started understanding what my triggers were and yes, I slowly began opening my eyes to a wholesome diet that left me feeling energised and happy. But consciously understanding the issue and actually reprogramming your subconscious are two very different things.

There was a phase in my recovery where I thought I had understood everything, had left no stone unturned and knew exactly what got me riled up, but somehow, somehow I still couldn't resist the urge to binge once it came up. Once that feeling crept in, there was no way in hell to stop it. I was like a roaring monster that just wanted food, food and more food.

Previously the binging used to happen on autopilot, but now there was a part of me that was somewhat conscious about it. There was this moment before the binge, just a split second, where I knew what I was about to do and why I was about to do it, but then I would still go ahead and do it anyways.

My Story with an Eating Disorder - Part 2

My Story with an Eating Disorder - Part 2

For the first part of my story with an eating disorder, click here.

Fast forward half a year. I have now moved from Dubai to Switzerland and started uni there. Everything seems perfect on paper, but deep down I'm still struggling. In fact, I'm struggling more than ever. I am throwing up twice a day, the scale is my best friend and the mirror my worst nightmare. I know that food and negative body image are controlling every aspect of my life, but I feel too powerless to fight it.

During the first weeks of uni I met Phil, my boyfriend with whom I have been for almost five years now. Remember when I said that I was very sick yet functional at the same time? Well, I was so "functional" that I even managed to hide this side of me from the person closest to me. The shame of being locked into this lonely cycle of bizarre behaviour was driving me sheer crazy and I hated not being able to be honest to someone I cared about so much. I felt alone in a way that was terrifying and I felt like I was going to have obsessions and compulsions around food forever.

Every Monday morning I would promise to myself that this week would be better, but by that same evening all good intentions were out the window and I would give in to my drug of choice once again. Yet there were no empty alcohol bottles or used needles. The evidence of my dirty little secret was a pile of food wrappers around me.