My Story With An Eating Disorder - Part 3

My Story With An Eating Disorder - Part 3

At the end of Part 2 of "My Story With an Eating Disorder" I left you on a positive note, it almost sounded like recovery was smooth sailing. But let me tell you: it really wasn't.

I mean, yes, I started understanding what my triggers were and yes, I slowly began opening my eyes to a wholesome diet that left me feeling energised and happy. But consciously understanding the issue and actually reprogramming your subconscious are two very different things.

There was a phase in my recovery where I thought I had understood everything, had left no stone unturned and knew exactly what got me riled up, but somehow, somehow I still couldn't resist the urge to binge once it came up. Once that feeling crept in, there was no way in hell to stop it. I was like a roaring monster that just wanted food, food and more food.

Previously the binging used to happen on autopilot, but now there was a part of me that was somewhat conscious about it. There was this moment before the binge, just a split second, where I knew what I was about to do and why I was about to do it, but then I would still go ahead and do it anyways.

My Story with an Eating Disorder - Part 2

My Story with an Eating Disorder - Part 2

For the first part of my story with an eating disorder, click here.

Fast forward half a year. I have now moved from Dubai to Switzerland and started uni there. Everything seems perfect on paper, but deep down I'm still struggling. In fact, I'm struggling more than ever. I am throwing up twice a day, the scale is my best friend and the mirror my worst nightmare. I know that food and negative body image are controlling every aspect of my life, but I feel too powerless to fight it.

During the first weeks of uni I met Phil, my boyfriend with whom I have been for almost five years now. Remember when I said that I was very sick yet functional at the same time? Well, I was so "functional" that I even managed to hide this side of me from the person closest to me. The shame of being locked into this lonely cycle of bizarre behaviour was driving me sheer crazy and I hated not being able to be honest to someone I cared about so much. I felt alone in a way that was terrifying and I felt like I was going to have obsessions and compulsions around food forever.

Every Monday morning I would promise to myself that this week would be better, but by that same evening all good intentions were out the window and I would give in to my drug of choice once again. Yet there were no empty alcohol bottles or used needles. The evidence of my dirty little secret was a pile of food wrappers around me. 

My Story With an Eating Disorder - Part 1

My Story With an Eating Disorder - Part 1

I’ve had this post in draft for months, but I never felt ready to post it. I've been reading it over and over again, adding bits and pieces here and there trying to see if it all makes sense. And somehow this morning I felt ready to share my story. My eating disorder story.

I mean, I've talked about this very openly in the past and have written several posts and guest posts about it, but nothing ever like this. This, my friends, is full disclosure. I'm sharing it all with you, the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to share this story with you because wether you've suffered from an eating disorder or not, wether you consider yourself an emotional eater or wether you've ever felt uncomfortable in your body, I think you can relate to the challenges that come along with the search for a healthy, happy and fulfilling life.

Warning, this is a long post! I decided to split my story into three parts because it's quite a long and heavy read..If you want the quick & easy version, feel free to breeze through the "About Me" section instead.

My search for the perfect diet

My search for the perfect diet

This is a post I’ve been wanting to write for ages, so I’m really excited to finally share it with you today. I’ve been saying a lot laltey how I want to be more open with you guys, more transparent and to share my struggles with being healthy, so here it finally is. It’s a very personal and honest post about my search for the perfect diet and it will shed some light on the questions I get about what I eat.

So many people always ask: Are you vegan? Vegetarian? Pescetarian? Do you eat gluten? What about soy? Would you ever consider going full raw?

Let me say it first off: I don’t believe in labeling one’s diet. People nowadays have this need to categorize people and themselves according to their way of eating. I personally think this just causes unnecessary pressure and can lead to eating disorders or even orthorexia. And what works for you now, doesn’t necessarily work for you in a couple of years, so why confine yourself like that? I’m saying this because I had a time where I felt like I needed to associate myself with a certain type of eating. I felt like I needed to choose and to stick to it and that I wasn’t truly healthy if I wasn’t eating specifically raw, vegan, paleo, gluten free or any of the other diets out there. I only learnt over time that it is OK to be a bit of everything.

#lessonsfromrecovery: Cooking and Eating Consciously

#lessonsfromrecovery: Cooking and Eating Consciously

We’re a generation of go-getters, always striving for faster, better and stronger. Without taking breaks, not even when it's time to eat. And that's a big problem. Digestion is a complex process that requires communication between the gut and the nervous system, and it can take up to 20 minutes before the brain realises "I'm full". Consequently, eating too quickly can lead to overeating and stress your digestive system.

Un-mindful eating eventually leads to unhealthy eating habits and "self-medicating" with comfort foods. Mindfulness might sound like a hippie concept to some, but it’s really just about being present. It’s easy to be on auto-pilot and go about our day-to-day lives without really living. Mindfulness is about paying attention to what you’re doing and soaking up every moment, rather than letting your mind race ahead, worrying about the next thing you’re going to do.

#lessonsfromrecovery: Weights vs. Cardio

#lessonsfromrecovery: Weights vs. Cardio

s announced on one of my latest Instagram posts, I want to start a new  WholesomeStef series dubbed #lessonsfromrecovery. I see my eating disorder as a blessing in disguise because it has taught me so many valuable life lessons and has made me a better person. Yes, I want to talk about the struggle and the challenges, but I also want to look at the positive side of things and show how you can come out stronger on the other side. I initially just wanted to scribble down a couple of sentences on Insta, but I ended up having sooo many things to say that you are here on this post now.